Sept 21, 2019

September 21st, 2019 -- a few lifetimes ago-- I'm watching that big, bright Ferris Wheel Ignite and elate our tourists from near and far But to me, it's not an attraction. It's a Beacon. East. Home. Back to the Nutmeg State, where I was born Deanna and learned to become her, through experiment, and loss, and friendship. and pain. And I'm blasting Lizzo at the top of my phone's lungs because she's preaching to the choir about men being thugs "Why men great 'til they gotta be great?" When I thought my future was laid out like an open picket fence I thought we'd have a family and be surrounded by friends I heard the mountains calling, and could smell the ocean breeze-- but grasping onto threads of silk kept me slipping to my knees. I was begging you to put me first-- about the ABV, But the chance of us repairing this decreased dramatically When you lied about that text-- the dealer-- and acted like a joke. You were out "getting a haircut," but you were out there -- buying coke. And all the sounds of all your anger still resonate within. Holding onto my self confidence That faded paper-thin. I'll pull myself back up again and find my truest form The kween of natured witches Igniting my own storm I'll frame my dreams and passions and paint them on my walls I'm not scared to start this all again-- theres no where left to fall.

2011 to 2021 - Ten Year Transformation

At this point in my life, at almost 34 years old, I feel like I have lived a few lives. Ten years ago was a few lives ago. I was 23, turning 24. I was almost 5 years into one of my most significant relationships. I was graduating college and looking forward to being a teacher. I was also applying to grad school programs for Creative Writing all across the country. And then when I graduated in May, there werent many teaching jobs. We were all still trying to recover from the recession and teachers who were set to retire stayed in their careers a bit longer, making teaching jobs scarse. I decided to enjoy my summer and go to Bonnaroo. I put my resume on Monster.com and hoped for the best. I knew I could keep Nannying in the meantime, and could make decent money. I was living in West Haven, on the Orange/Woodbridge line, with my boyfriend and his father, in a small two family home with a nice backyard, on a quiet cauldesack. I played shows at local venues with my band Parachute Stage. I started working at CDW, a technology reseller, that summer.

My Facebook Memoir

One thing that I've always enjoyed is looking through old photo albums. I'm reflective and nostalgic, and photographs have a way of pulling me back into that moment, and making me feel. Most of the time, they make me feel happy. Sometimes they make me feel sad. They make me miss the people I have lost, literally or figuratively, throughout the years. But what I have been reflecting the most on lately, is how they seem to create chapters in the many lives I have lived. The last year and a half has been transformational for me. I moved back home to CT, adopted a dog, I met my twin flame,

we moved in together, saved for a house, we bought the house, and I am feeling more happy, and 'me,' and stable than ever. I find myself constantly assessing who "me," is, and how she has transformed during these 33 years of life, and although I can't fully map out my childhood, the last 15 years of my life have been documented and organized by me, habitually, as a live and living memoir, on facebook. But I woke up this morning scared; what if the facebook servers went down for good? Would I ever be able to retrieve those photos? They have been uploaded there for safekeeping, but in this dumpster-fire of a world we live in, what is safe? So I'm making a fail-safe. And I'm one-upping it. I'm going to re-live these photographs, and talk about the stories behind them. The people, the places, the feels. I'm going to delete the photos I dont feel connected to, or feel like writing about, and I think I'm going to learn a lot. I'm going to start from my first photos, and move towards today. Maybe one day, i'll end up incorporating childhood photos from physical albums ( I uploaded some of those too). We'll see where this journey brings me, but I'm happy to take the first steps. Chapter 1 : Jonathan Law High School When facebook first came out, the only way to create an account was with a certified College email address. I remember punching my fresh Southern CT State University email address in and creating an account, at the end of my high school senior year. It was probably one of the best times of my life. I dont remember having strangling feelings of depression and anxiety during that time, though I was always worried about doing well in school and in my extracurricular activities. I was involved in a lot. I played trumpet in Marching Band, Concert Band, and Jazz Band. I sang in choir ( and chamber singers during the brief time it existed). I co-ran Poetry Jam club. I was the president of Diversity Club. I was a Natural Helper, who was involved in peer mediation. I had friends in drama club. I had friends who played football. I worked at a local discount grocery store called XPECT Discounts. I had a high school boyfriend. I had a stable family with parents who were married, employed, and who supported and cared about me. I had teachers who were supportive of me. I had gotten into college and had dreams of being an Elementary School Teacher. My hair was dyed red with a Josie and the Pussycat Dolls cut that was short, and spunky, flipping out at the ends. I played open mics with my guitar and friends at the local Cafe Atlantique. I hung out in the woods by my house. I went fishing with my dad. How does this work with pictures? This is my nephew, Hudson, about a month ago. He turned 6 months today

I've been thinking a lot about my past and what lead me to today. I've been feeling extra grateful lately too, because I'm realizing that many of the goals I set out to achieve have been accomplished-- and I never really sat down and took a minute to congratulate myself. It wasn't luck. It was the stars aligning with every positive choice I made. Every difficult deciion I pursued. Every time I gave something up, or sacrificed my time, energy or money. Each step I took was one in growth, and I've used each experience-- positive or negative, to learn and drive myself closer to my goals. Closer to my Big Picture Dreams. I have a lot of dreams, and they adapt and grow and change as I do. The path is never straight, but rather more like a hike. There are uphills, downhills, creeks where you get your feet muddy, high winds, where you have to hold on for your life. Sometimes you get wet. You have to learn how to dance in the rain and forrage onward. Find ways to be creative, and stay warm. Be grateful for the beauty surrounding you, and the experience you are having in that moment. Knowing that you can never have that moment back. I don't go on Twitter much these days, but I recently checked in, and came across a Tweet from my ex- we'll call him Raymond, because i'm not close with anyone named Raymond. Raymond tweeted on October 20th, 2021: "It’s been five years to the day since I met my wife under very unlikely circumstances. We started at a @SavetheSound cleanup and ended at Outer Space. We’ve been through a lot in a short time, and I’m grateful for it all." The thing is, this tweet triggered me. And i dont use that phrase often. But it did. Because on October 20th, 2017, Raymond and I were still together. We were planning flights for him and his mother to come to Chicago and celebrate Thanksgiving with me there. You see, I had moved to Chicago a few months earlier, alone, and Raymond and I decided to do the long-distance relationship thing, because we had been together NINE years, and he encouraged me to take this promotion out in Chicago so we could start a new life, once he finished his Masters Degree, which would be at dissertation stage around Christmas time. The Master's degree that I had supported him through, after supporting him through re-starting his bachelors degree, and associates degree, after he dropped out of college initially, and had lied to me about graduating, at the party we first met at. It's a mouthful, I know. I invested in Raymond. Why? Because we met when I was 19, and we were together through nearly all of my 20's. We had grown up together. And he was my best friend. And his family was my family. And our friends were entirely integrated, where every single holiday, birthday, and vacation encompassed our tight-knit crew. When Raymond and I officially broke up, on Saturday, November 11th, after various phone calls and discusions around it being mutual, and thoughtful, especially while we explain it to family and friends. Everyone took it hard. Most people were confused. The thing is, Raymond and I had been trying to make it work for a long time. There was so much good in our relationship, but it was much more like a friendship than a relationship. And I think that's why it hurts more. When you find out that your best friend, who you have been in a relationship with for nine years, was cheating on you-- when you have confirmation of that from a Tweet.... it burns.

Dont Settle for Less

What is a perfect relationship?

What does the perfection relationship look like? Feel like?

What qualities does a perfect partner have?

What can you bring to the table?



These are all questions I have asked myself, throughout the years, as I "searched" for my perfect match.

And I came to understand that

The Roaring 20's

It's been awhile! I'm re-starting this baby to create accountability for myself on this renewed journey towards a Healthier Dee.

It is January 2nd, 2020, and I have committed to a 30 day detox including:
* No Alcohol
* No Caffeine
* No Added sugar
* No Gluten
* No Excess Social Media


My goal is to join The Edge and workout 3-5 days a week, including Yoga. I also intend on continuing my nightly meditations and add a small journal entry before going to bed.

This morning I had a green smoothie for breakfast

Lunch was a cup of tuna salad and a cup of fresh beets w roasted red onions and goat cheese.

Took my multi vitamin in hopes to raise my vitamin D levels and energy levels.

Still feeling like i could totally take a mid day nap, but pushing through.

Today is Gym and Grocery prep day. LETS DO THIS

30 Day Salad Challenge

Happy New Years Veggie Lovers!

2014 means yet another Fresh Start, so why not start out with a fun and veggie filled challenge to get the year going strong?

Every January I set new goals for myself, and this year I have some big ones:

1.) Lose 10 pounds by my 26th Birthday (January 30th 2014)
2.) Pay at least $10,000 of my loans off in 2014
3.) Let go of things that I cannot change and focus on what I can change.

The first goal is an ongoing goal to move towards my ideal weight of 130lbs. Right now I am 166lbs. I plan to be 155lbs in 28 days.

In order to better grasp how I have gained so much weight during the last few years, I had to look back and evaluate my daily routines and habits. In considering this, I determined that my weaknesses fell in over consumption of sweets as well as over consumption of alcohol. I may not have drank any alcohol at all Monday through Friday, but on a typical Friday or Saturday night, I might go through 5-10 beers each night depending on if Beer Sports, such as Flip Cup or Beirut were involved.

A 12 oz Bud light is 110 calories.
This means that 5 beers = 550 calories, and
10 beers = 1100 calories.

...not very "light" after all.

I also evaluated what I was eating on a daily basis. As a whole, I was eating approximately 1200-1300 calories a day, which is in the range of what I should be consuming.

However, many times, what I was consuming was high-carb and high-simple-carb related, such as Bagels, Bread, and Pasta.

In December, I decided to abstain from alcohol consumption as a whole. I'm not going to lie-- it was hard. Between free after-work Happy Hours and Holiday parties, it seemed that everyone was drinking every other day. It made me realize how many opportunities I really had to drink. I was strong and aside from 1 mimosa on Christmas Morning, I met my challenge and lost 5 pounds.

I had a few glasses of wine on New Years Eve and decided that I should continue this challenge into January. Being more conscious of what I am putting into my body is going to be key in keeping my weight in check.

This brings us to the key topic of discussion:

THE SALAD CHALLENGE!

I thought it would be fun to dedicate an entire month to getting to know salads a bit more intimately.

Disclaimer: Even though I have been vegetarian for over 6 years, I have never been a huge fan of salads

So, I'm compiling all of my favorite salad recipes, and learning new ones to get better acquainted with my raw veggies. Salads for dinner, and left over salad for lunch. LETS GET IT ON.

I will attempt to post daily and share my recipes for anyone who would like to jump on the salad train with me.

Today I have a simple Garden Salad

Mixed Greens-- (baby spinach, arugula and romaine)
English Cucumber
Grape Tomatoes
Red Pepper Hummus ( 1 Tbsp)

with a dressing of 1 Tbsp EVOO, 1 Tbsp Balsamic Vinaigrette, a splash of Braggs Liquid Amino ( adds salty flavor) and cracked black pepper.

I also brought an Avocado and some grapes as snacks today.

Join in and follow along as I continue my journey and if you have a favorite salad recipe that I should try, share in the comments!

Until tomorrow!
VEG-OUT!

Fresh, Healthy, Icecream!

Found this on the wonderful world wide web:

NO CHEMICALS IN THIS ICE CREAM!!!!!

3 cups (2 cans) coconut milk

1/4 cup cacao powder

1 ripe banana, mashed

4 ounces dark chocolate, chopped

1/4 teaspoon sea salt<

1 tablespoon coconut oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup creamy almond butter

Topping: Toasted Almond Slices, Banana Slices, and Dark Chocolate Chunks