My Facebook Memoir

One thing that I've always enjoyed is looking through old photo albums. I'm reflective and nostalgic, and photographs have a way of pulling me back into that moment, and making me feel. Most of the time, they make me feel happy. Sometimes they make me feel sad. They make me miss the people I have lost, literally or figuratively, throughout the years. But what I have been reflecting the most on lately, is how they seem to create chapters in the many lives I have lived. The last year and a half has been transformational for me. I moved back home to CT, adopted a dog, I met my twin flame,

we moved in together, saved for a house, we bought the house, and I am feeling more happy, and 'me,' and stable than ever. I find myself constantly assessing who "me," is, and how she has transformed during these 33 years of life, and although I can't fully map out my childhood, the last 15 years of my life have been documented and organized by me, habitually, as a live and living memoir, on facebook. But I woke up this morning scared; what if the facebook servers went down for good? Would I ever be able to retrieve those photos? They have been uploaded there for safekeeping, but in this dumpster-fire of a world we live in, what is safe? So I'm making a fail-safe. And I'm one-upping it. I'm going to re-live these photographs, and talk about the stories behind them. The people, the places, the feels. I'm going to delete the photos I dont feel connected to, or feel like writing about, and I think I'm going to learn a lot. I'm going to start from my first photos, and move towards today. Maybe one day, i'll end up incorporating childhood photos from physical albums ( I uploaded some of those too). We'll see where this journey brings me, but I'm happy to take the first steps. Chapter 1 : Jonathan Law High School When facebook first came out, the only way to create an account was with a certified College email address. I remember punching my fresh Southern CT State University email address in and creating an account, at the end of my high school senior year. It was probably one of the best times of my life. I dont remember having strangling feelings of depression and anxiety during that time, though I was always worried about doing well in school and in my extracurricular activities. I was involved in a lot. I played trumpet in Marching Band, Concert Band, and Jazz Band. I sang in choir ( and chamber singers during the brief time it existed). I co-ran Poetry Jam club. I was the president of Diversity Club. I was a Natural Helper, who was involved in peer mediation. I had friends in drama club. I had friends who played football. I worked at a local discount grocery store called XPECT Discounts. I had a high school boyfriend. I had a stable family with parents who were married, employed, and who supported and cared about me. I had teachers who were supportive of me. I had gotten into college and had dreams of being an Elementary School Teacher. My hair was dyed red with a Josie and the Pussycat Dolls cut that was short, and spunky, flipping out at the ends. I played open mics with my guitar and friends at the local Cafe Atlantique. I hung out in the woods by my house. I went fishing with my dad. How does this work with pictures? This is my nephew, Hudson, about a month ago. He turned 6 months today

I've been thinking a lot about my past and what lead me to today. I've been feeling extra grateful lately too, because I'm realizing that many of the goals I set out to achieve have been accomplished-- and I never really sat down and took a minute to congratulate myself. It wasn't luck. It was the stars aligning with every positive choice I made. Every difficult deciion I pursued. Every time I gave something up, or sacrificed my time, energy or money. Each step I took was one in growth, and I've used each experience-- positive or negative, to learn and drive myself closer to my goals. Closer to my Big Picture Dreams. I have a lot of dreams, and they adapt and grow and change as I do. The path is never straight, but rather more like a hike. There are uphills, downhills, creeks where you get your feet muddy, high winds, where you have to hold on for your life. Sometimes you get wet. You have to learn how to dance in the rain and forrage onward. Find ways to be creative, and stay warm. Be grateful for the beauty surrounding you, and the experience you are having in that moment. Knowing that you can never have that moment back. I don't go on Twitter much these days, but I recently checked in, and came across a Tweet from my ex- we'll call him Raymond, because i'm not close with anyone named Raymond. Raymond tweeted on October 20th, 2021: "It’s been five years to the day since I met my wife under very unlikely circumstances. We started at a @SavetheSound cleanup and ended at Outer Space. We’ve been through a lot in a short time, and I’m grateful for it all." The thing is, this tweet triggered me. And i dont use that phrase often. But it did. Because on October 20th, 2017, Raymond and I were still together. We were planning flights for him and his mother to come to Chicago and celebrate Thanksgiving with me there. You see, I had moved to Chicago a few months earlier, alone, and Raymond and I decided to do the long-distance relationship thing, because we had been together NINE years, and he encouraged me to take this promotion out in Chicago so we could start a new life, once he finished his Masters Degree, which would be at dissertation stage around Christmas time. The Master's degree that I had supported him through, after supporting him through re-starting his bachelors degree, and associates degree, after he dropped out of college initially, and had lied to me about graduating, at the party we first met at. It's a mouthful, I know. I invested in Raymond. Why? Because we met when I was 19, and we were together through nearly all of my 20's. We had grown up together. And he was my best friend. And his family was my family. And our friends were entirely integrated, where every single holiday, birthday, and vacation encompassed our tight-knit crew. When Raymond and I officially broke up, on Saturday, November 11th, after various phone calls and discusions around it being mutual, and thoughtful, especially while we explain it to family and friends. Everyone took it hard. Most people were confused. The thing is, Raymond and I had been trying to make it work for a long time. There was so much good in our relationship, but it was much more like a friendship than a relationship. And I think that's why it hurts more. When you find out that your best friend, who you have been in a relationship with for nine years, was cheating on you-- when you have confirmation of that from a Tweet.... it burns.